Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
