Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
