She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
