I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
