I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
we made out on top of his cat.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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