I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
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Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
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The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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