I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
