i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
