Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
