You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
