I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
