Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
