According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
