You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
