i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
