Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
