Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
