i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
