You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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