tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
no you cant smoke seaweed
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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