Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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