Her vagina should come with caution tape.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
