Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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