...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
