And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
