I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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