we have pet lesbian snakes
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
