Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I need to align my fucking chakras
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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