Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
