I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
