He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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