I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
