Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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