Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
