Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
