i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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