M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
