i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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