the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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