Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just gargled with NyQuil
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
