There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
