Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
