i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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