How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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