I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
