I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
