I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
