i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
