So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
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On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
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I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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