I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
