I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
