I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
