I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
