Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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