too bad you live with your parents still
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
