What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
