i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
