Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
