Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
