I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
