At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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